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KERRY, EDWARDS SURGE IN IOWA, HOPE NEVER TO EAT THERE AGAIN
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DUBUQUE, IA – Having eaten corn and hog entrails prepared in every way imaginable for months on end, surging Democratic Presidential candidates, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) and Sen. John Edwards (D-NC), agree that, if God is at all merciful, they will never have to return to Iowa during the general election, at least not during mealtime.
His campaign revived from near-death by his first-place finish in the Iowa Caucuses, staffers said Kerry’s sedate performance giving his victory speech was the result of his suffering severe abdominal distress from eating corn and pork
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Tasty slices of pork and corn scrapple
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every day for weeks. According to staffers, Kerry dourly remarked after returning from the rest room that he “can’t even digest corn anymore.”
Though born in the South and more accustomed to excessive pork consumption, Edwards too struggled at times along the campaign trail. But in the end, he just wore down the other candidates with his sunny optimism.
“Nothing hits the spot quite like scrapple and corn on the cob,” Edwards would comment at nearly every rally, smiling pleasantly while praying he could survive another helping without letting slip a crude sound bite that would be replayed across the nation.
Meanwhile, following Dean’s bizarre shrieking, fist-pumping performance during his concession speech, campaign manager Joe Trippi, perhaps recognizing he may soon be fired, explained to reporters that Dean “was either off his meds at the time or suffering from ‘mad hog’ disease.”
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