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NEW ERECTION AT GRANT’S TOMB AFTER BEYONCE PERFORMANCE
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NEW YORK, NY – In the wake of the recent flap over Beyonce Knowles’ Fourth of July performance at Grant’s Tomb – where critics accused Beyonce of desecrating the sacred site with her sexy attire and dance routine – visitors to the Tomb have noticed a large bulging area in the stone floor above the coffin of the former President and Civil War General. Concerned that vandals may have damaged the Tomb, the National Park Service investigated using ground-penetrating radar. Far from showing vandalism, however, the radar study revealed what is thought to be the most raging post-mortem erection ever recorded by science.
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Grant leaning against a pole when still alive
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“There is no explanation for this based on the laws of nature known to us at this time,” said Dr. Charles Gettsnon, a noted researcher from Johns Hopkins University.
“To hell there’s not,” responded former President Clinton, honorary chair of the investigative panel. “Grant’s been dead for a century and was probably married for years before that. I’m just amazed he didn’t break the surface.”
Other researchers agreed. “President Grant’s vantage point from almost below Ms. Knowles probably played a significant role in his suffering a crazy post-mortem hard-on,” opined Dr. Richard Fellows, also of Johns Hopkins.
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The cause of Grant’s insane post-mortem pole
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“Vantage point? He’s dead!” Gettsnon interrupted.
“Whatever,” Fellows replied.
“That was a heck of a show,” Clinton added. “With Hillary gone in Washington, I’m still cranking that on my VCR at least once a day.”
The National Parks Service has announced no action to solve the problem, saying only that researchers did not expect it to persist in the absence of further concerts at the site, although the Parks Service did suggest that all female visitors to the site wear dark colored, loose fitting pants until further notice.
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