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PROTESTER DISCOVERS LIGHTING HIMSELF ON FIRE 'REALLY HURTS'
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JERUSALEM – “I still hate the great Satan with the passion of man offered fifty virgins,” railed Ahmad Al-Sattar from the comforts of his Intensive Care bed. “Allah forgive me, but there’s got to be a better way to protest. There’s no freaking way in Mecca I’d do that again.”
“Ahmad is a part of a disturbing new trend in martyrdom,” explained Shriners’ Burn Center doctor Douglas Stein. “As recently as 1980, almost 95% all martyrs were successful. Unfortunately, advancements in information technology and quicker emergency response teams have conspired to drive martyrdom rates to an all-time low.”
“Ahmad is a perfect example,” Dr. Stein continued as a nurse entered the room to change Al-Sattar’s oozing body cast. “By providing advance notice he planned to become human barbeque, our ambulance crews were ready and waiting.”
When asked why the ambulance crews didn’t intercede and keep Ahmad from setting himself on fire, Dr. Stein made a pretend beeping noise like he was being paged.
“Gotta go,” Dr. Stein waved before speeding off.
“Terrorist groups simply don’t have the support infrastructure to take care of these people,” opined psychiatrist Sally Buchanan. “When you expect someone to die and all of sudden, not only are they still alive, but they’re burnt to a crisp and smell to high-heaven, you’ve got the makings of an ugly situation. Many would-be martyrs experience an increase in feelings of depression and helplessness following a failed attempt. Not to mention a sh*tload of pain.”
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